Over it

I’ve been so lazy about my eating for the better part of 2 months now. I don’t get it. I went months and months totally on plan and feeling awesome about it and not struggling for a second (ugh, what a lucky bitch I was!) I don’t get how it can go from being so easy to such a struggle so quickly. LAME!

It sucks not losing weight, and worse, seeing it go up 5 lbs, 8 lbs, whoa nelly! I’m over it. I still have SO far to go, I can’t be getting lackadaisical about it now. I will not settle for 300 lbs. I have to bring in the reigns and get back to my healthier ways. It’s always so hard the first week or two, as I’m going through withdrawal, and then it just seems to come so easily and naturally. I want to get to that place again. And I will. If I learned anything from the past 16 months it’s that it’s never too late to start over.

In other news:


I’ll be heading down to Kansas City for 6-8 weeks to spend some time with my stepfather and to help him out around the house and yard. I’m taking my laptop, but whether or not I’ll be online will depend on if I can pilfer a connection. Last time I was down there the only area in the whole house that I could find one was in the garage, atop a table saw, of all places. I hope I’m a little luckier this time.

Peanut Butter Addiction

One thing that has amazed me is how my tastes and preferences in foods have changed over the last 14 months. Overall, these changes have been a good thing. There is only one dark, sticky exception.

Peanut Butter.

It became pretty clear early on in this lifestyle overhaul that I had suddenly become obsessed with it; this was at first amusing to me because prior to changing my habits I very rarely ever touched the stuff. Never had the desire to. I wish I could say the same now. I can, and have several times, ploughed through an entire 28 oz jar in a mere 3 days. It has become my one and only “trigger” food. I can’t stop myself once I start eating it, and I don’t trust myself when it’s in the house. Honey has also become a bit of a weak spot and discovering they made Peanut Butter mixed with Honey flatlined my weight loss chart for a month. Every binge, every slip up, every stall can be attributed to me opening a jar of that evil concoction in the middle of the night. For reals. I wish it were as easy as not buying the stuff, but I live with another nut butter addict who doesn’t have to worry about their weight (the bitch) and I struggle almost nightly to keep myself from grabbing a spoon and popping the lid off.

So there it is. Hi, I’m Blue and I’m a Peanut Butteraholic. My spoon has been clean for 2 days.

Anyone else have a particular food obsession/addiction? Any new ones sprout up after you started eating healthier?

Go ahead. Say it.

AWWWW!

I know. Aren’t they so stinkin cute? I’ve been fostering these 3 mini dachshund pups for 2 weeks now. They were removed from an abusive home (seriously, people suck. Is it any wonder I‘m a hermit?) They’re the sweetest little things in the world, but they’re a handful. If I’m not feeding them or cleaning up their poop, they’re begging at my feet to be held or played with. They’ll stay with me for another 2 weeks until they’re strong enough to get their first shots and then they’ll move to their forever homes. I’m so glad my sister wants to adopt the special needs pup (the tiny one in the last pic who was severely malnourished) because I’ve gotten so attached to her and I just can’t adopt any more pets - we have 6 already! That’s the hard part of fostering. You want to keep them all but you just can’t.

Weight-wise I’ve been maintaining around 310 for almost a month. Kind of frustrating, but it’s my own doing. I breeze along just fine for a few days and then my nephews stay over and it’s a grazeapalooza. They make popcorn, I have a handful. They roast s‘mores, I partake in a few. They get iced capps, I get a small with 2%. Nothing horrible, but my body has this amazing ability to turn 1,000 extra calories into a 5 lb gain. Such fun, that. It vanishes within a few days - just in time for another graze-a-thon with the boys. Bad cycle.

I told them to bring their bikes next time and we’ll head over to the local trail, hopefully a couple hours of exercise will negate the grazing I know full well I’ll be doing. We’ll see if that approach works. Can't hurt.

A year ago today I stepped on the scale and saw 399 lbs for the first time in a very long time. I was THRILLED! I whooped and danced because I was finally out of the 400’s and knew I would never again return. That was an awesome day for me. In my journal I wrote, “I don’t think anyone has ever been so happy to see that their weight starts with a 3” Happy was an understatement, I was over the moon; I danced every time I got off the scale for weeks after that.

And here I am just a few weeks away from 299. I know its a completely arbitrary number, but it means something to me. Having my weight start with a 2, I don’t know, makes me feel more normal. It’ll also mean I’m only 99 lbs from my final goal of 200. For so long the weight I needed to lose was measured in the hundreds of pounds and soon it’ll be a double digit. Amazing. I’m really going to try to hit 299 by the end of the month, but regardless of when it happens - and it will! - pics will follow!

I survived. Not sure if the scale is going to be nice to me on the 1rst though, but after this blah month, I’ll be happy with just maintaining.

I had a couple of NSVs (Non-Scale Victories for those of you who, like me, are totally out of the abbreviations/slang loop and have to frequently ask Google to explain.) Now that it’s warm out, we’ve pulled all the lawn chairs out of storage and I was thrilled to discover MY ASS FITS!! In CHAIRS! With ARM RESTS! Nothing is more terrifying than a chair with arm rests when you’re very obese (except maybe turnstiles, but anyway) I decided to try out every chair I came across this week and I’ve fit in every single one. I was feeling so damn good about that I decided to take my nephews to the movies, knowing I could finally fit comfortably in the chairs (I hadn’t been since 2003 when I came out with bruises from where the arm rests dug into me) Man, it was great being able to enjoy the movie comfortably. They’ve already talked me into taking them back next month for Transformers 2. But seriously, I’ll be smuggling popcorn and drinks in my purse because OMG $25 for 3 watered down drinks and a bag of stale popcorn? Never again!

Temptation Island

I’m house sitting for my brother this weekend and I’m a little bit nervous about it. The last time I did I was unprepared and it turned into a binge free-for-all. I made the mistake of assuming that, these being skinny folk, they’d have a plethora of fresh veggies and whole grains and all the stuff such itty bitty people must eat, right? Yeah, No. JUNK! TONS of junk and only junk! WTF universe? So, telling myself I didn’t have healthier options (and no car to go to the store with), I ate whatever I could find. Totally over did it. Was not a pretty sight and my stomach was pissed off for days after that. Going into this weekend I’m taking my own food and talking about it here for accountability. Most of the time I don’t struggle with my food choices or cravings (Thank God!), but there are days, sometimes weeks, when I feel weak and tempted by everything. This is one of those times. It’s gonna be a loong weekend.

I was going to wait til the 1st to do a monthly review kinda thing, but I realized I was doing the very thing that bothers me the most about other blogs: slowly disappearing. I’ve accumulated quite a blog reading list over the past year and sadly many of those people have vanished with no warning. I hate that. I get involved in their lives and I care about their well being and whether you’re doing good or bad, I wanna know! Seriously, a one liner now and then would suffice. And yet here I am going weeks with no update. I guess I excused it cause I figured no one cares. But that’s besides the point, this is for me and I’m only letting myself down if I don’t keep it going. So here I am.

I often find that the things I want to write about have already been discussed by people much more intelligent and bounds wittier than I, so I stick to the cold hard facts about my weight loss. Safe and easy. I’ll try to stray beyond that but it might take awhile. I have always had a problem opening up.

So yeah. Hi. Still alive. Still healthy. Had a “bad” weekend when my nephews stayed over 2 weeks ago, but I’ve moved beyond that. It’s hard not to join in when you have growing boys who want massive quantities of food (mostly junk) every 30 minutes. I’ve never seen anyone eat as much as those boys do and stay skinny as pencils. I swear they have the metabolisms of hummingbirds. Lucky little bastards.

Monthly Weigh-In

A day early, but whatever!

Mar 24: 325 lbs
Apr 23: 316 lbs (-9 lb)

It’s been 2 months and -19 lbs since I started this little blog about my plateau-busting endeavor and I’m very happy with my weight loss considering I‘ve been totally slack with the exercise side of things (I know, I know!) I think I have to admit to myself that I wasn’t on a plateau all of those months, after all. I was just eating too much. Not enough to gain, but not enough to lose. I was nibbling at night and guessing at the amounts I was eating when it came to tracking it in my food journal. No longer. Night time eating is out, I utilize my food scale as often as possible, and strive to be accurate with my journal. It's working, obviously.

It’s warming up here and I’ll be getting in lots of exercise outside soon, constant yard work being the joy of living on a farm. For once I'm looking forward to it. This is the first year in a very long time that I actually have the energy to do things and not only do them, but ENJOY doing them. Imagine that!

I ate my 1040

So like I usually do, I add my calories up in my food journal at the end of the day and got a huge laugh out of the fact todays calories were exactly 1040. Get it? On tax day! INORITE? Hilarity. Yeah, that’s less than I normally eat, but I just wasn’t hungry today and wasn’t about to force myself to eat when my body says "No". I spent far too long ignoring the old gal, and life has been better (and…funnier?!) since I started treating her with respect.

That lighter moment was much appreciated, I’ve been seriously mopey lately because of the positively dreary weather. A week of cold grey skies. I need some sunshine! Fresh air! Even if I don’t/can’t go out to enjoy it, I like knowing I could…

Finding my exercise niche

So, I haven’t done The Shred for a couple weeks now. I have no idea why other than we‘re not a good match for each other. I found myself having to modify nearly everything and just sort of thought, “meh. I’m not cut out for this yet” maybe I’ll try it again at a later date when I‘m down some more el bees. I’m still hopping on the Wii even though it’s not the ideal fat blasting machine. Great for yoga and balance stuff though, so I’ll keep at it. What I need is a calorie burner that I enjoy. Walking seems like a nice fit but I hate that it’s dependent on the weather. Some days I would kill to go for a walk but its raining (and this is a problem because I have to walk in our fields, no pavement out here in the boonies besides the busy state route) and yet other days I’m having an anxiety flare up and leaving the house is an impossibility no matter the weather. A treadmill would take care of both of these issues but have I mentioned I‘m an artist? Yeah, I have no monies. Maybe I can find one at a garage sale this year. I would love that. Other than that I have no idea what else I could do. I'd love ideas, If anyone has some!


Also. I'm 320!!! After being stuck in the 30’s for so long it seems like I flew through the 20’s this past month. I can’t believe how close I am to the 200’s. For so long it seemed like such a far away dream, and now here it is - maybe 8-10 weeks from happening. So, so, so exciting for me!

I’m going shopping for some new clothes this weekend. I put it off for many months, but after cutting up 2 more of my old shirts this week for use as future rags, my penny pinching self can no longer deny the fact I need some new clothes. Mainly shirts. Okay, ONLY shirts. See, I have a freakishly shaped body. I can look at before and now pictures and see that I have indeed lost all over, but I swear most of it has come from my waist and bust area while my hips and butt pop out like biscuits exploding from a can. Not the best look. I’m loving that I’m wearing size 20/22 shirts (the same size as my sister who weighs 100 lbs less than I do!) but pants are ridiculous. The ones that fit over my hips and butt look clownish due to how baggy they are over my legs. Ah well. Should be fun getting some new shirts, at least. I know most women can’t wait to get OUT of the plus size section in stores, but I couldn’t wait to GET IN! And now I am! Well, my top half is in, anyway. The ass will follow. Someday.

Scale news:

I’ve been hanging around 325 for about 10 days now and that’s okay with me. As long as the scale keeps moving in a downwardly fashion, no matter how slow, I’ll be happy. Seriously. After the hellacious plateau I had, I wont take a single ounce I lose for granted.

Off I go to walk the furbabies.

A month later

A month ago today I set out to (attempt) to destroy an over 4 month long frustrating-as-hell plateau. I started exercising about 30 minutes a day and cut back my caloric intake by about 20%. After over 2 weeks and no loss I was feeling a bit discouraged. And worried. Worried that over the past year I had lost all the weight my body would "let" me lose and this was where I was destined to stay forever. 335 lbs for eternity. The cruelty! I knew logically that wasn’t true. I’ve seen others lose just as much if not more than I want to, but that’s them. That’s their body. What if mine can’t do it? I know *I* have the will and determination to get there, it’s my body that I worry about and its long history of not functioning as a normal body should. I pushed on anyway because that’s my only option, forever 335 or not, I feel too good to revert back to my old lifestyle and the misery it contained. I’m thrilled to report I’m down to 325lbs now. A 10 lb loss! It all came off in the past 2 weeks, as if my body fought with all its might to hold on to those lbs early on, only surrendering when it became apparent it had no other choice. Battle of the bulge indeed.

I apologize for the lack of updates, I'm still getting a feel for this whole blogging thing. I feel unsure of myself and insecure sharing a deeply personal struggle with others, but I'm doing this for me and I promised myself I'd keep posting, so I will do my best.

Friday the 13th - My lucky day

As of today I can finally use the Wii! I hula-hooped. I skied. I jogged. I even tried some yoga (who knew staying perfectly still would be the hardest exercise of all!) I really enjoyed it and am thrilled to have achieved another of my many mini goals. Next up: Breaking out of the 20's "decade".


In closing, I hereby declare the Great Winter Plateau BUSTED!

Body Drama

I expected a repeat of last week; once again I got as low as 332 but found myself back to 335 as of yesterday. Imagine my surprise when I got on the scale today and saw 331!! I stepped off and on several times, recalibrated it, and stepped on again. Still 331. I don’t know why 3-5 lbs comes and goes so mysteriously, but it definitely supports the water/waste theory. Guess I need to work on decreasing the sodium and increasing the fiber.

Thank you to the ladies who took time to leave such supportive comments on my last post. That was very kind of you all and I really appreciated it. :)

Well that just sucks.

That’s what I said this morning upon seeing 335 on the scale. I don’t know what happened.
2 days ago I was at 332. Then mysteriously I packed on 3 lbs. I know it’s not fat. It’s water or waste or hell, could even be my new sexy muscles (Thanks Jillian). It’s disappointing, but I won’t use it as an excuse to stop exercising or eating more “cause I’ll be fat forever anyway”. I’m sure they’ll vanish as quickly as they showed up. That’s what I’m telling myself. Staying positive here. Looks like this plateau feller wants a fight, and a fight is what he shall get!

Little by little

So today is the fifth day of Operation Die, Plateau, Die!

It was a simple enough plan:

• Reduce caloric intake to 1500 (was 1800)
  
• Exercise at least 30 minutes a day
• No eating after dinner
  

I've stuck to my daily goals so far and I'm feeling really good.

Food. I've made very little change to what I normally eat, but like they say, it all adds up. 1 slice of cheese instead of 2 on my pita, .5oz mayo instead of 1oz. That alone is a difference of 150 calories, and taste-wise I wouldn't know one pita from the other, honestly.

Exercise. I'm liking the Shred DVD so far. I whine through the first half of it, but I stick with it and it's over before I know it. I'm really looking forward to being able to mix it up with the Wii Fit as soon as I'm under 330.

No food after 6pm. Night time, and the cravings it brings, is always the hardest for me. That used to be when I would get the majority of my calories. It's not wonder I was so obese; starving during the day and gorging at night is exactly what Sumo wrestlers do to maintain their weights. And if I follow only one piece of dieting advice, it would be: Don't eat like a Sumo.

Too Fat for Wii Fit

The farther north you are of 250 lbs the more you have to deal with weight capacity limitations, so I did my research before buying the Wii Fit last October and knew that with a weight limit of 330 lbs, I wouldn't be able to use it right off. It's disappointing, but a reality you get used to when you're Just Too Fat. I thought it'd be a great motivation. After all, I was so close - just 10 lbs over the limit. Yet here I am, almost 5 months later, and I’m STILL in the 330’s, still unable to use the damn thing.

But not for much longer. Oh no. Soon, so very soon, I will step on it and no longer see the message below. I’m getting kind of excited. Scales can differ 2 or 3 lbs, so I’ve gotten it out every morning this week, hoping against hope it’d finally let me on. I hold my breath, step on, and anxiously watch the screen, listening as it beeps and analyzes me much like the overly dramatic weigh-ins on the Biggest Loser, just dying to see what it'll say. Beep. Beep. Beep. Come on already!


Argh. Story of my life.


You can bet when I see the glorious 329 I’ll be sharing my joy here. After I hula-hoop. And ski.

Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred

Ouch.

I was promised an ass kicking and was delivered one, as my ass can now attest after 3 grueling attempts at this DVD.

I had to make some modifications, though.

Jumping Jacks, Butt Kicks, and Jump Rope: She says she has 400lb people doing them, but either they have no pannus or mine is gigantic, because the pain I get from my belly flopping up and down (not to mention the sound...) just makes it intolerable. So for the jumping jacks and jump rope I do the full arm movement while bouncing on my tiptoes and for the butt kicks, I do them properly, just at half the pace she does it.

I get very dizzy having to get up off the floor and back down so often (blood rush?) so I have to spend a few seconds waiting for it to pass while I sip some water.

Overall, I spend 22 minutes panting, grunting and wishing it would end. I yell at Jillian. I whimper "I can't do it", But then I do. By the end of it my heart is pounding, my face is red, and I feel DAMN GOOD! I have no doubt it'll pay off even with my modifications. In fact, it already has according to my daily weigh-in. But I'll wait til the 1rst to go public with it!

First post

Let's get the awkward introduction over with!

I'm Blue. I'm 24. I live in Ohio and make my living as an artist. I'm a bibliophile, DIY queen, and pet lover. I'm terrified of spiders, crowds, and semicolons. I'm also morbidly (ugh) obese, hypothyroid, and have severe anxiety.

I read many weight loss blogs and thought I'd join in, too. I can certainly use all the support I can get, and if ever I could inspire another as others have inspired me, even better.

I discovered 3 years ago that I was hypothyroid (Probably always have been, but thanks to anxiety I had avoided seeing a doctor since a very young age) I dropped a CRAPTON of weight after beginning treatment that year. Then my anxiety flared, along with mild agoraphobia and depression, and I quit going. My prescription ran out. I gained weight. I gave up.

I finally got my head in the right place and just over a year ago I returned to the doctor and my meds and taking care of myself. Thank God. I'm feeling so much better physically and mentally.

As of today I weigh 335.6 lbs.

It mortifies me to admit it, but this is not my highest weight.

Someday I'll reveal my before picture and the weight that went along with it, but for now, while being proud of what I've accomplished, I remain deeply embarrassed of my heaviest. Shame is a cruel bitch with a tight grip.

I've been on the most frustrating plateau for several months now. Up 2 lbs, down 2 lbs. Rinse, repeat. I know I'll have to kick my own ass to get to where I want and that's what I'll do. I'll never, ever, let my health fall by the wayside again. I deserve more, and I know that now. I get it. I'm in this forever.

So, that's me. Hi blog world! I'll do my best to update regularly.